Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
