Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
