It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
