having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
