He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
