I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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