I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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