Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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