I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
