Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
