she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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