While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm at about main and main street
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I have feelings that need drinking.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
