This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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