He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
