The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
