Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
