I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
