so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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