tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
