sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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