so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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