Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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