i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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