everyone is single if you try hard enough
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
