Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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