Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
