Umm I'm too high to move.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Oh god it's open bar.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
