So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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