I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I had to cum in my sink.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
