Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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