John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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