So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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