turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
