Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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