My liver just broke up with me...
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
