In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
