he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
