The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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