i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
