it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
