I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
