So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
