If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Text me some of your sweat
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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