he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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