Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
