I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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