I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
