Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
