I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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