sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
