Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
