I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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