you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
