Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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