Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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