Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
