So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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