If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
