I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
