at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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